Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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