I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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