mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
