Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
