Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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