Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
