I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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