I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
