last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
