He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
