i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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