apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
