Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
