Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Boobs speak an international language.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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