is your mom at the bar?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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