Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
