Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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