I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
