My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
