I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
