Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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