so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
