Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
