if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You have to summon your inner elephant
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
