Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
