Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
