i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
