hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
