Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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