you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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