I accidentally burped into my bong.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
