broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
