I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
