Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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