Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Randomize
