I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
