Please, let me fuck your mom
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
