I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You're like the curious george of whores
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Pants are for mortals
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
