There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
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