I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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