life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
