Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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