I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
