is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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