I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
