i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
