I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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