at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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