drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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