I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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